You'll shoot your eye out

As you know, I have a bit of a redneck streak in my family. I say this will all the love in the world, but both my father and my brother have a strong tendency to gig and shoot things all year long. They both drive trucks with large tires and have been known to watch either the huntin' and fishin' channel or NASCAR.

As for me, just typing the word NASCAR makes me pucker and turn on punk rock as loud as I can take it.

This weekend I took the ball of fire to my parent's house to attend an old-fashioned fun family German wedding. The last time I went to a wedding for this side of the family they literally played Roll Out the Barrel, but that's a different story.

On Sunday, as I was getting ready to leave the family manse, I noticed that my eye pencil was down to a nub -- most likely from all the kitten whiskers that I've drawn on the two-year old as of late.

I tried my dad's desk for a quick sharpen, but alas, he locks the electric sharpener away in case of just such emergencies.

I went downstairs and asked him if I could use his sharpener, but he didn't want my dark brown MAC eyeliner "gumming up his works."

He grabbed the eye pencil and said (in a rather secretive manner, I might add) that he had a special sharpener in his truck.

When he came back a half hour later, my $12 MAC eyeliner was the same length as the cap and it was so fucking sharp I had to swipe it sideways to actually apply it to my eye.

I asked him what in the world he had used to sharpen it with, and he just smiled and giggled a little and said, "My fishing knife."

"Your fishing knife," I replied. "What in the hell for?"

"Cause I keep it really sharp so I can gut a fish in one quick swipe."

Aw for fuck sake, now I have to buy a new eye pencil!