Colonic tonic

I'm counting down the days until I start my new massage therapy venture and I compiled a list of things I want to do before the first day of class on Sept. 5:

1. Haircut and highlight
2. End-of-the-summer pedicure
3. Buy a few more tee shirts and a new pair of jeans
4. Do a whole body cleanse

Wait. What? Who said that?

If you haven't guessed by now, I am not a fan of potty talk. I don't leave the door open when I go so I can chat with passerbys, I don't waddle to the bathroom with groups of other women and I don't want to hear about your frequent deposits. And for the love of God, if you recognize my shoes under the stall, do not engage me in conversation. I don't care what you have to offer, it can wait until after I wash my hands and leave the restroom area.

Why I would purposely initiate a cleansing program that will promote frequent bathroom trips -- and those trips might be made in a public place -- I still have no idea.

Last week I convinced myself that maybe my body was a tad toxic. Maybe I could do something beside diet and excercise to promote weight loss and fight fatigue. Maybe a cleanse would also help elevate my serotonin levels, thereby creating a happier mood. Maybe I lost my damn mind!

I did some research on this process and consulted an expert on the matter (or my sister, whatever) and decided it was a positive course of action.

I knew I was in trouble the moment I read the pamplet on things to avoid eating... such as... beef, pork, cold cuts, sausage, bacon, hot dogs, shellfish, peanuts, margarine, caffeine, refined sugar and flour, saturated fats, processed foods, dairy and wheat products. Ok and that leaves?

My first day on the program, I felt terrible! I was weepy, headachy, bloated, exhausted and crampy. I was worried.

I called my expert/sister who recommended that I stick it out for three days, as she promised things would only get better.

By the following morning, things started flowing in a positive direction.

And then on Saturday, we hosted 14 one-to-seven year olds for my son's birthday party. Cupcakes, Koolaid and hot dogs. I had fruit salad. Dinner was a taco fiesta at a friend's. I had grilled chicken salad.

The ball of fire wants Chinese food on his actual birthday on Tuesday. I'm guessing crab rangoon isn't included in the list of things I'm supposed to eat.

Damn my good intentions! At the rate I'm going, I'll have a lazy bowel by Friday.