Handicapped access

For more than a month, I've had a weird pain in my right leg. It starts in my hip and makes its way down into my calf. If I spend a lot of time standing -- for example at the back of a swing, pushing a ball of fire -- by the end of the day, my calf is just aching.

I know exactly how the problem started, by having my legs in an usual position for a period of time. We'll just leave it at that. I believe I pinched a nerve or twisted something in my hip, which has translated into an aching calf.

Today, I woke up and the pain was worse than normal. So I decided to do what every rational person would do: Go to the gym and run until it doesn't hurt.

I'm sure my chiropractor, if I had one, would tell me the folly in this plan. But alas, I disregarded his imaginary advice.

Things started out as expected. I like to walk for one song and run for one song. I had no trouble with the walking. But about one minute into the Red Hot Chili Pepper's "Hard to Concentrate" -- ironic, don't you think -- and a small whine started in my hip.

By All I want is for you to be happy. Take this moment and make you my family and I started to drag my right leg. Run, drag, run, drag, run, drag. But I was determined to run until my leg started working again.

Suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder. Apparently my run/drag had startled one of the trainers and she felt the need to interrupt.

"Miss, we don't recommend such high speeds for our handicapped clients. Can I suggest a slower speed that will still give you a great workout?"

Oh good God....

"I'm not really handicapped," I replied (just a fucking idiot) "I'm trying to work a kink out of my hip."

"Oh," she said. "Maybe a yoga class would be more appropriate."

Bite me, skinny-little-toned-stomach bitch.

So I slowed it down to a swift walk where my drag wasn't as noticable. And just to spite her, I did a round on the circuit training as well. We handicapped people like a good workout too.

Despite my drag, I managed to work up a good sweat and some relief in my hip.

Just when I was starting to have some pride in my accomplishment, the ball of fire was quick to step on it again. As we were leaving, he noticed some sweat in an place that is not usually sweaty. In his loudest voice -- because why whisper, right? -- he shouted, "Oh no, momma, you peed in your pants!"

Well shit.