We finally reached the part of my massage therapy program that I have been dreading -- total nudity.
Contrary to some popular opinion on the purpose of massage, this is not nudity on display but rather carefully draped and exposed piece by piece ... shoulders, legs, back, ASS.
Yesterday we learned the gluteal portion of a 90-minute Swedish massage.
I was already aprehensive about the strip down and it didn't help that my instructor has this annoying habit of calling the crack the "gluteal crease" and everytime she says it, I had to supress the urge to guaff like a maniac and yell ASS CRACK, ASS CRACK!
When it was my turn on the table, I did my duty and stripped down, flopped onto the table and turned sunny-side up for the world to see.
I hate my ass. Seriously, if there was one part of my body I would have permanently removed, this would be it. I've dated guys who were all about the ass and it drove me crazy. Don't touch it, don't slap it, don't talk to it and for God's sake, don't tell me you like it. None of this will alter my opinion.
So, to be face down, cheeks exposed, it should be inherent that relaxing was not part of the program.
I have to admit that I was surprised at how much better my back felt after that massage. I've had a pinched nerve for about four months and that is considerably better.
But that did not stop me from twirling my hair -- something I do unconsciously when I'm nervous or upset -- until I created a little knot in the side of my head.
Now that's it's over, I feel relieved and knowledgable. I can give a full-body, 90-minute massage, for which, the going rate is $85.
Not too bad for an hour of exposing my ASS CRACK to the known world.
5 comments:
Apparently the ass talking warnings will go unheeded. ;)
It's understood that you don't talk about overly hairy parts or jiggly parts. We just gossip about it later!
I’m glad your associates are to classy to talk about such a crass topic.
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"Assssshoooole!!!" What movie is that from Shell?
You said ass crack,heehee.
I will never use the term ass. I prefer buttocks. The word has a more permanent sound. Say it with me: But.....tocks. See? For instance, which would make you sound more acerbic in more settings: "What a smart ass?" or "Ah, what an intelligent buttock." See? Buttock.
And as for the crease? I prefer to call it the Buttockial Cleavage.
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