To quote my friend Angie, I'm an equal opportunity bitch. But when it comes to the holidays, I just amp my quota on bitchiness a tad.
I am not a fan of the holidays. I can't pinpoint the exact moment in time that I began my loathing, but it resides in me today and that's what matters. I'm sure it has something to do with my birthday, which is a mere three days after Christmas (send e-cards to ooogoodgod@gmail.com) and I was always getting Christmas/birthday presents from cheap asses, like my grandma.
My least, least favorite thing about the holidays has to be Christmas music. Has anyone noticed that there are only about five Christmas songs, yet they are remade EVERY fucking year by some artist who thinks they have discovered a secret genere? So Bing Crosby sings "White Christmas," then the Beatles, James Taylor, Aretha Franklin, Depech Mode, En Vogue and Clay Aiken. It's the same song, people! "I'm dreaming of a White Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..." Same lyrics! For Chrissakes, shut the fuck up!
The latest is Sarah McLaughlan. I love Sarah's other albums. You know, the ones with NEW songs. I'm mortified that this is the latest thing she's put out after years of nothing.
To add insult to injury, Chuck Norris has been blogging about re-adding "Christmas" to the holiday season. Come'on Chuck! No body gives a shit what you think? Although that didn't stop this hilarious rant on Daily Kos.
It's really hard to hate Christmas and the music when you have a kid in the house. Yet, I try my best. For example, last night we drove through the local "Christmas in the Park" light display. The host of this event encourage you to listen to one of their sponsors, who happens (gasp with amazement) to be playing Christmas music!
I decided I should try to get into the spirit. So we listened to Blizzard of Oz. Nothing like a little "Goodbye to Romance" to put me in a festive mood.
One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
7 comments:
Feel.your.pain.
Happy b-day to us.
CHUCK NORRIS is the reason for the season. I guess someone may need a roundhouse kick to the head as a gentle reminder.
For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
You mean there are other holidays this month other than your birthday?! Say it ain't so...
Anyway... happy Kwanzaa.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
I allow Christmas.
Christmas AND my birthday.
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