Here kitty, kitty

The male mind is an intricate and delicate thing. For thousands of years, women have tried to delve into the folds of the soft cerebral cortex with questions like, "what are you thinking about?" or the ever popular, "what's on your mind?" All to no avail.

Recently, I stumbled unto the secret for unraveling this conundrum. The secret decorder ring for the guy brain. Men's Health Magazine.

I know, it can't be that simple. But I promise you, ladies, in fact, it is that simple. According to Men's Health Magazine, men need to repeatedly ask questions about bigger abs, how to shop for groceries, the coolest new electronics and how to make a woman orgasm. Every month.

Seriously, I started taking this very fine magazine specifically for the health articles. Since joining the world of holistic healing (Lord, have mercy) I have become more in tune with what my family eats. Men's Health, ironically, has some of the most current and well-written health articles out there. They are always right on the latest trend in research and diet. It's fascinating.

The sex articles are pretty interesting too. Although at the end, I'm ususally left shaking my head, thinking, "Hello! Just ask, already!" But I digress.

But there's always that one article in there that could NEVER exist in any other magazine. For instance, this month it's the article about whether are not you're a pussy. That's right: A PUSSY! Raise your hand if you knew that was a problem. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

I have been in many an editorial planning meeting. And never -- not once -- has this topic been thrown out for discussion. I'll have to add it to the next one I attend, I'm pretty sure.

According to the author there are guidelines for when the "pussy" moniker is used. "Pussy is most often used in casual situation, with not much on the line, as a sort of shorthand for compelling a certain kind of male behavior. Nobody ever says, 'Don't be a pussy. Charge that machine-gun nest.' You're more likely to hear 'Don't be a pussy. Chug that beer.' There's no question that the most functional, urgent applications of the word invariably contain the word 'don't.' Sometimes you just need to be in the presence of another male to toughen up in a certain way, just for one moment."

Color me intrigued.

I decided to test it out on my perfect test subject, i.e. the hubby. So today, while cleaning the yard, getting ready for spring, I noticed him sucking on the webbing of his left hand.

"Whaddya got there?" I yelled across the yard.

"Blister from the rake."

Hmmm. "Suck it up, pussy!"

"I'll be alright, heartless bitch."

Damn, it works! I love learning new things!