Sun stroke

The ball of fire and I spend a lot of time at the pool in the summer for two reasons. 1. It's a cheap date. For $3.50, he can frolick in the sun and water until I'm convinced that he will be semi-comotose by 7:30 p.m. 2. For that same $3.50, I can don my cheap sunglasses and people watch until my eyes bug out.

Our pool is fabulous because it has a great kid's area which has not one, but two slides. I don't really have to spend a lot of time in the water. I can sit on the side and work on my non-existant tan. I like to pretend I tan, but seriously, I'm a natural redhead, I'm lucky to pink.

But we're also a community of teachers so there are a lot of men hanging around in the middle of the day. More importantly, men who also work out a lot. Unfortunately they usually have their wives with them, but I can ignore them.

When I get bored of looking at hot guys throw their children in the air (which frankly, can you ever get tired of that?) I switch to the scary people. But mostly they lay around, talking about their next tattoo while their kids beat the shit out of the nerdy kid with glasses from the daycare across the street.

All in all, a good time.

Unless I'm at the pool with my friend KW, I don't ususally chat it up with the clientele. But the other day, I was approached by one of the ultra-thin stay-at-home moms who also frequent the pool. I can't figure out how these women get so skinny. They usally have three kids under the age of 5, so even if they never eat, they should still have some baby fat left, right?

Anyway, one sits down next to me and just starts to talk.

She: It's not as crowded as I thought it would be.

Me: They closed the pool for two hours because the alkalinity was off. I bet everyone just went home.

She: The alkalinity? What difference would that make?

Me: Well, if the pool has too much chlorine in it, that's not so good.

She: But more chlorine is good, isn't it? Kills all the nasty germs?

Me: Chlorine in its pure form can give you chemical burns, so too much in the water will burn the kid's eyes and noses. That's why they shut it down.

She: Yeah, that would be bad. (You think? The ... fuck....!?)

She: Do you think I should put some sunscreen on the kids? Do you think they can still get burnt?

Me: Well, it's only 4 p.m. and the sun is still out, so yes I'd put some sunscreen on them. (Hello?...)

She: I thought I read somewhere that after 3:30, the sun's rays aren't harmful anymore. (Where'd you read that? Dumbass Monthly?)

Me: No, I'd say as long as the sun is still up, it can damage your skin and cause sunburn.

She: Really? I'd better put some on them, at least their face.

Me: I'd hit the ears and shoulders while you're at it.

She: That's probably a good idea. (Take it, sister, it may be the only good idea you get today.)

After she left, I hastily stood up and invited the ball of fire to swim in the big pool. I couldn't bear to think what our next discussion topic might be:

She: I just love summer. It's so warm.

Me: Yeah, because we're technically closer to the sun because of the Earth's rotation.

She: What? The Earth rotates? I didn't see that article in People!