The TSA, also known as This Sucks Ass

I’ve had occasion to fly frequently of late. And here is one thing I’ve learned: there is no elegance to flying.

When I say elegance, it’s not so much in reference to beauty or craft but more into the humble human need to preserve some dignity.

There is no dignity in air travel.

Before you even set foot in a plane, your identity is called into question at least twice, your half-stripped of clothing, wandering barefoot on carpet that hasn’t seen a vacuum since 1982 and God forbid the x-ray finds something circumspect in that carry on.

“Why yes, semi-literate TSA agent, that’s three days-worth of already-worn panties in that pocket. Thongs. Not even big enough to tuck a bomb into, so how about you close that up now?

Oh that? It’s an EPI pen. So I don’t die from anaphylactic shock. Shall I stick in your neck and see if it works? No? Such a shame.”

Assuming you aren’t arrested, finger probed, boob patted or otherwise molested, you

move onto your next humiliation to stand in line next to your number like a good little girl.

Skinny aisle, tiny seat, overhead bins made for 6 foot tall people only. Leg room? Pshaw! Kindergarten-sized drinking cups but still pay $8 for a glass of wine (really??) and peanuts meant for small chimps. 

Dignity not included.

I am not naïve. I lived in this country before and after 9/11. I understand the emotional toll that placed on air travel. I expect reasonable security measures -- or even unreasonable ones -- if it prevents that from ever happening again. But I must question how my stiletto heels can be used to hide a hypodermic needle (yes, it’s been suggested) and how my travel-sized fingernail clippers -- which barely clip nails – represent a deadly weapon. Or maybe I should be flattered that my appearance obviously provokes fear and images of James Bondesque-techniques that turn a harmless pair of tweezers into an instrument of death.

Either way, I think, by way of compromise for the benefit of air safety measures, the booze should be free. At least then when my dignity is gone due to drunkenness, I can say it was absolutely my heels that made me do it.