I'll be Healthy if it Kills me

Because I eat a gluten free diet, I'm probably a little more aware of the stuff I put in my mouth than most. But I admit I do just enough not to break out in hives and that's about it.

Recently I had a series of health "issues" (i.e. not really scares but more than problems and a few that made me think I should revise my will) that made me rethink the healthy eating plan.

Those same health "issues" also raised my anxiety level from its normal yellow (fine -- organge) to full on RED. 

So I took evasive action. 

The problem is that eating healthy, taking the right supplements, getting a minimum of 30 minutes a day of exercise, sleeping 8 hours a night, drinking five bazillion gallons of water while giving up sugar and caffeine makes me feel like shit. Mega shit.

Let's start with the supplements: 

• Magnisium must be taken two full teaspoons but preferably at night and with Vitamin C which is better taken on a full stomach in the morning with breakfast when you take 900 milligrams of fish oil, a probiotic for colon health, and B12 which helps with energy efficiency at the cellular level.
• Vitamin D helps with anxiety and is best taken at night but also get plenty of natural viatmin D (sunshine) but wear sunscreen to protect from skin cancer but oh by the way, that blocks the vitamins.
• Olive oil when taken a spoonful at a time will ease digestion but too much will give you an "active" bowl. 
• Three teaspoons of apple cider vinegar in a full glass of water at room temperature will help balance your stomach acid and make your vagina smell like roses but too much will upset your delicate PH and cause yeast overgrowth. 

On to diet:

• Fresh fruits and vegetables but not the ones that are too large or too perfect because they are likely from genetically modified seeds which could or could not cause cancer but no one really knows because there is no proof one way or another. 
• Meats, mostly lean white althought you need some red meat for iron but not too much because it will cause fat to build up around your heart and did I mention the antibiotics in the meat so free range or grass fed is best and yes it's more expensive but it's YOUR HEALTH. 

What about excercise:

• Cardio is good but don't run because it will cause saddle bags if you have the wrong shoes, which let's face it, you do, unless you were specially fitted with the RIGHT shoes with orthotics that cost as much as you spent on college. 
• Weight lifting is better but make sure you have proper form because one twist in the wrong direction and that knee that bothers you sometimes will pop and that's a minimum surgery with six week recovery in your future. 
• Too much excercise and the wrong balance of calories will lead your body to starvation mode in which it STORES fat in your ass and stomach just in case. Or you will lose weight but not in the right places which will cause other places (and why the stomach always??) to bulge. 
• Excercise helps anxiety but meditation is better. Meditation is hard. And I suck at it. 

There is one solution to all these ills that seems to fit. Whiskey: 

• Alcohol in moderation is beneficial. I can't hold my liquor so I am forced to moderate. 
• It makes me sleep. Sleep is good. 
• Whiskey chills me out. Anxiety abated. 
• I can run when I drink, but it's funny. Laughter is the best medicine. 

I think we have our winner.