This year's fiesta was unfortunately cancelled, supposedly because of some weird guy who can't make it because he's traipsing through NAPA valley with his illegitimate wife.
So my mean Aunt Carol informs the family, via e-mail, that Brent is the reason for the cancelled family gathering. Here's his reponse:
Wow! I am really not sure what to say. I am not sure if I should say "thank you" or "suck on my twelve inches of heaven." The women reading this and queer can do both.
The United States of America has experienced many ups and down over the past two centuries. Civil war brought turmoil to this great country. WWI unified this great nation under one cause. WWII did the same. Vietnam was a low for this country and can show what happens when this wonderful nation does not protect, fight for and die for the one thing, the only thing, that makes this country America: "The Marquart's Thanksgiving Celebration."
Carol and George not having "The American Tradition" this year without me being there is probably the best decision that couple has ever made. Of course, we all know the decisions that did not go well. Like the time Carol got knocked up with her first son, queer at the KKK rally while GRANNY DRAGON was off burning some cross instead of watching over her 13 year old child. Carol wanted it in the caboose but George, being the typical Borgia guy, said no. Bad decision. Or the second time Carol got knocked up with Queer's sister Nicole during Octoberfest at one of these award winning wineries in Hermann, Missouri. George just wanted a BJ but Carol got upset.
From that point on, no one knows. No one knows if George is the father. Go to google and type in: 1960's, Missouri wineries, orgy, sheep, and weed. Bad decision.
This is the ONLY good decision George and "Should have taken it in the Caboose" Carol have made. I mean what is Thanksgiving without me. That is like the KKK without the white hood. That is like Kansas City without fat people. That is like a woman in the Langdon being not being 16 and knocked up or a man on the Langdon side not knocking up his sister. I really, deep down inside, do not blame you for not having Thanksgiving. If you had Thanksgiving this year, all of your white thrashers would sit around and cry that I wasn't there. You would play football and hear words like: "Nice play" or "Great move George" and my favorite "I love being together with family and sharing my life with people I love." You would play poker and someone would win besides me. You would watch television while discussing how great family is. You would even probably discuss issues that are deep to your heart and probably grow a bond that no one could take away and one that will last a lifetime.
You know you want me there and honestly, I want to be there. You (You being everyone that reads this email) and I know that there is nothing better than playing football and hearing me say "Why don't you suck my dick while you are down there", "I am going to make you my prison bitch", and one hundrend "You suck ass." You and I know there is nothing better than me cheating at cards and winning. You know nothing is better than watching television, clicking the mute button, and just listening to Brent go off. You know there is nothing better than saying the words "Bart is here" and thus, making your life worth living for a couple of hours.
On behalf of everyone that takes part in this American tradition, we all say thank you to George and Caboose Carol for making a right decision for once. I will there next year and make sure I make up for lost time.
Have a good evening and suck it bitches.
Who the hell is this guy?!
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