As I got older, I realized that people are generally off their damn rockers and it's just my luck to be observant and chronicle those episoides.
For example, I have this great little part-time writing gig with a former employer. They have a small staff and they have busted their tails to put together a national conference for their members -- which is happening this weekend. Before they left, a nice little e-mail went around with some helpful tips on how to chat with people in the elevator, outside the conference rooms, in the hotel lobby bar while drunk, whatever. I must say that I laughed out loud when I read it.
One of the first tips was having a list of openers:
- Good morning!
- Good afternoon!
- Hello!
- Hi!
This organization has more books about networking on the shelves than the public library. I'm pretty sure these ladies know how to open a conversation.
Part of me belives (desperately) that this was a fun joke to ease anxiety over the meeting. So, in the spirit of humor and fun, I created my own Top 10 list of things you should NEVER say at a networking or business event.
- My God, your tits are huge! Are those real? (said while poking with finger)
- Hmmm, you look so familiar. Weren't you in that movie, "I Love Lesbians" with Jenna Jameson? Could you get me her autograph!
- My God, I am so horny. Do you think that bartender is cute?
- Oh yeah, I know your husband. He's got some skilz... know what I'm sayin' (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)
- Giiiirrrrlll, two words TIC ... TAC
- Awww Gawwd, do you smell that? Somebody totally ripped one. Was it you?
- My panties are riding up my crotch. Stand in front of me while I pull them out, will ya?
- Your boss is such a skag. Look at her outfit. She looks like a hooker! Could her boobs come any further out of that shirt!?
- I think I'll get a tattoo while I'm in town. I want a devil, breathing fire that spells out DEATH METAL. Doesn't that sound wicked!?
- (And my personal favorite) Do I smell like B.O.? Smell my pits, would you?
One of my all-time favorite movies lines is from Steel Magnolias, when Olympia Dukakis says, "If you can't say anything nice, come sit by me."
I'd say it's my motto.
3 comments:
Here are a few extra (or variations on a theme)
“Did you fart? No? Oh… must have been me.”
“Did you happen to see my underwear lying around? Would you like too?”
“Could you tell me if this is a zit or an ingrown hair?”
“Nothing makes me more fidgety than a live gerbil in my pants…”
Do you think I could use these at work? Maybe not, I may lose my job. Actually, I have heard some of these things several times so far this year! Boys between the ages of 10 and 12 have gross imaginations, but sometimes I can't help but laugh at them. It seems that BO and farts are a definite "must have" in my classroom this year. I'm thinking it's become the latest "in" thing for the year. I hope it doesn't stick around too long, it's pretty stinky around here.
12 year old boys may be one of the stinkiest things ever. Next to grown men who eat chili of course. I'll pray for you girlfriend!
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