One hundred plus ways to be a bitch

I'm still working on my extreme commuting story for the part-time writing gig, and it is depressing. Not only are we pissed off for spending so much time in the car, our asses are getting bigger as well.

Longer commutes are also linked to obesity. Researchers at Georgia Tech have found that every 30 minutes spent driving increases your risk of becoming obese by 3 percent.

Oh Good God.

I'm also finishing (just starting) our entry for the Bronze Quill awards for our magazine. Hmmm, too much like work.

So I flip around on my desk to see what my editor, MK, has left recently for my enjoyment. Thankfully, she never fails to disappoint. Today on my desk is a submitted article for the magazine titled, "One Hundred Plus Things Every Woman Should Know."

This writer has had a bad time with men. Some of her 100+ tips -- with my thoughtful edits -- include:

1. Money and sex are the keys to a good marriage. Rich women are always smiling because they have money. And the rest of us smile because we just had a nooner.
2. Plan your marriage as if you're going to get divorced. Or just stay single and screw around.
3. Stupid children make you look stupid. Wow, what does that say about your mom?
4. It's important to teach your daughters not to sleep around. It is 2008, and guys still talk. As opposed to banging rocks together like they did in the '90s.
5. Judge a guy by what he wants you to have. If he says "Mercedes for everyone," then you're in luck.
6. Always get the largest diamond you can -- you might need to sell it. To finance your cocaine habit.
7. Only wear open-toed shoes with a cocktail dress if you are in your 20s. I'm fucked. I'm wearing a pair today with pants.
8. Do not wear too much make-up, you will look like a two-bit whore. Again, not my day!
9. You really can never be too thin or too rich. Wasn't that Ivana Trump's line?

For the rest, you'll have to find your own copy. Or, if you're in a pinch, you can dig mine out of the trash. I don't think we'll be publishing that gem anytime soon!