One in the same

I'm obsessed with the Rachel Zoe Project for two reasons.

1. How can this really be someone's job? To dress the stars for red carpet events? No, I swear it's made up for TV ... except that she's been doing it for more than a decade and is considered one of the best in the field. Who knew!

And 2. I love nice clothes and shoes but this woman puts me to shame! She's into vintage designs which just blow my mind. I'd love to spend just 1 day wandering around in her closet.

This week, Jennifer Garner (known at our house as the hubby's surpreme object of lust) was talking about picking her dress for the Oscars. She mentioned that she was trying on two options and her husband walked through and actually stopped to comment on one. That's the one she picked because, and I quote, "he never notices stuff like that."

Ok. Hold the phone. Jennifer Garner has dimples to die for and once played a dominatrix on television. Not to mention she knows how to do all the moves for "Thriller." If her man doesn't notice what she's wearing then there is no hope for the rest of us poor schlumps!

What does a girl have to do for a little attention around here? Although that red leather outfit Jennifer wore in "Alias" might be a good start.

My Match and Me

Someone has signed me up for Match.com. Ok, so someone didn’t sign me up, per se. Rather a lovely girl with the screen name cajunbaby12 signed up and mistakenly used my e-mail address.

Today I had my first round of potential mates appear as if by magic in my in-box. I was tempted to hit delete and return to my usual e-mail – Borders.com, BabyCenter.com, New York & Company, Nordstrom’s, the New Yorker and Rolling Stone. But, I could not pull my eyes away from Chopperjay -- 5’8 with sandy hair, a smart goatee, visible tattoos and a passion for all things music and motorcycles. Nice!

In turn, he likes girls with long hair (shoulder-length?), bold personalities (smartass?) and who likes public displays of affection (tongues?) and to go skinny dipping (on a moonless night when the stretch marks are less visible?).

I was lucky to find the hubby when I was young and in college. I don’t have to date as a 30-something mom who has lots of baggage – most of it under my eyes.

I have single friends who use these services and have little or no luck. It makes me wonder, what are these guys really looking for? A long-term relationship or a rocking good time with a tattooed freak who likes to hump and strip in public? Which really begs the question: Do men ever grow up?

Seeking disappointment

There is nothing I like more than finding humor in unexpected places.

This weekend I was scanning Craig's List for a bed to go in our soon-to-be redecorated spare bedroom. It has served as office/hubby's dumping ground for years, and I am reclaiming it to serve as a beautiful little room that no one will sleep in. But it will be so pretty.

After scanning the crap people want to sell for a half hour or so, I flipped over to the personals. I skim these for two reasons, 1) It's interesting to see what people look for in a mate, and b) It reminds me to be thankful that I no longer have to date, because, DAMN it is lonely out there.

This time, one caught my eye, "Looking for my future second ex-wife.." Oh yeah, that has to be good.

I was rewarded well for my interest. This post was sarcastic, caustic and downright hilarious. Although this guy hits on some of the most stereotypical aspects of marriage, he does it with a high-brow snobbery that makes my writer's heart happy.

It's obvious I need to lock myself into another long term pseudo-religious contract that will ensure bitterness and hatred.

I'm hoping for sex to become a chore or a sleep aid, and basic hygiene and grooming to take a backseat to syndicated television. And what about the years of passive-aggressive bickering and codependent nonsense?

Seriously, how could you not love this guy?

Is that a pickle in your pocket ...

It seems like my girlfriends and I spend a lot of time discussing guys. Round and round: What we like, what we don't like, why we like it. It's probably one of our favorite topics.

It would be ridiculous except for the fact that we all LOVE guys. It's true. We love men. We like the way the smell, the way they make us feel, the enthusiasm they generate. But damnit, they are so frustrating sometimes.

Lately, I find myself in a position of counselor to some friends with man trouble. Frankly, I am just very good at it. And it generates some of, in my opinion, the best of my writing skills:

Me: "I think he's a giant fuck bag. But I'm a bitch that way."

She: "I've come to realize that most guys are 'a-holes' (why a-hole is in quotes, I just can't say) and I should just learn to accept it. After seeing what my other friends went through ... things could be a lot worse for me."

Me: "Guys are like pickles. They start as cucumbers, then they soak in vinegar for a while. That's when they finally figure out what they are made of. If you're lucky, sometimes you get sweet pickle. But mostly you get JERKins.

Ok, how fucking awesome is that analogy? Seriously, it's going on my blog!"

A lesson on men

Today my brother-in-law mentioned that he and my nearly-bursting-with-baby sister were going to spend the evening with a "less then legal version of '300'. "

Considering this movie is still at theaters, I wondered -- in e-mail -- how his buddy had come across such a find.

He actually accused me of not knowing the rule of guy-dome. Apparently the correct response to a friend saying, "Dude, I got a copy of '300,' do you want one?" is "Yeah, sure." No questions asked.

I cannot understand this. So, to set me straight, he sent me a few more Man Rules to help me out. I thought I'd share.

Man Laws 101

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: a)When a heroic dog dies to save its master, b)The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse, c) after wrecking your boss's car OR d)when she is using her teeth
3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who is playing.
10. You may “flatulate” in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach and it's delivered by a topless model…and only when it's free.
12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos….ever…issue closed.
15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: 1)Yeah, Baby, Push it!, 2) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! and 3)Another set and we can hit the showers!
22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both are waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone….hang up if necessary.
24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360…end of story.
28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics…ever.2
29. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

• "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
• "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"