Understanding

He: What in the world are you watching?

Me: Nothing. Be quiet, I can't hear!

He: You don't actually like this show, do you?

Me: Yes. I can't explain it but I've had a thing for Scott Baio since I was a kid.

He: That doesn't mean you should watch bad reality TV.

Me: (Sigh) You just don't get it. Scott Baio has probably influenced my choice in sexual partners for years.

He: WHAT! That makes no sense.

Me: (Pausing the TV) I had a crush on Scott Baio when he was Chachi. And then he was in Charles in Charge about the time I started to really get into boys. Still with me?

He: Barely, but yes.

Me: So I had some major sex dreams about him being MY live-in babysitter. Can you just imagine the possibilities for illicit sexual encounters when your babysitter is as fucking hot as Scott Baio?

He: Ok, I see that part. But what about influence your future sexual partners?

Me: Think about it: Every man I have ever truly, deeply loved -- including yourself -- has dark hair, dark eyes and is kinda dorky in a cute but still sexually charged way.

He: That still really doesn't make sense.

Me: That's because you'll never understand the delicate psyche of the pre-pubescent girl mind, which just sets you up to fail for the rest of your life at understanding women. It's ok. You can't help it.

Now please, shut up, Scott is talking.

Swap meet

I love google. I really do. I have found some of the most interesting things through a google search. I've mentioned before that I like to google myself. Michele (insert last name here) is active in Mother's Against Drunk Driving. A professor at a prestigious university. A colonel in the armed forces, etc. etc. You always stumble onto something new.

Recently I did a google search for something inconsequential regarding insurance. Just a general knowledge kind of search. I found a few pages to my liking, clicked the options and perused. At the bottom of the listing, I noticed the option to find similar pages. I clicked it. The first listing: wife swapping.

Does this relate to insurance? Not really. Do I care? Hell no! Let's talk about wife swappin'!

Did you know there are many benefits to wife swapping, such as:

• It is a good way for bi-curious women and men to discover their potential bisexuality without becoming drawn in the lesbian or gay community where many felt uncomfortable or unwelcome. Riiight. Because watching your husband butt fuck another guy is not uncomfortable at all.
• It allows both men and women the opportunity to reject monogamy. Reject monogamy? Let's just move right into polygamy and be done with it.
• It allows individual to explore and learn lots more about your sexual interests. Just in case that class on S&M bondage moves didn't work out the way you planned.
• It can enhance a couple's relationship and their commitments to each other. Nothing says, "I love you baby" or "You're the one for me." like screwing another woman.
• You can make many new friends. New friends who like to swallow, take it up the ass, or have a latex fetish.

But seriously, wife swapping isn't only fun and games. There are rules: Wife swapping is only a primarily social event. The normal social customs of greeting people and initiating a conversation are really not that different than at any other social interaction. It's just done naked and with a stiffy.

Next, I'm going to google "butt sweat" and marvel in all that the Internet has to offer.

Funny how I find myself in love with you...

A few months ago, a blogger I follow posted a link to a funny little blog called, "My Wardrobe Today." At first, I was a little put off by the concept. How much vanity must one person possess to post a photo of her outfit and a detailed description of her make-up, every day? Of course, after reading her blog and loving EVERYTHING this woman puts on her body, I just adore her site. She has some of the best hair and these round apple cheeks are to die for!

Now, I've never considered myself a shoe hound, despite other comments to the fact, but I am crazy about these peep-toe pumps that she's always wearing.

They remind me of those 1920s classic movie star shoes worn by Lauren Bacall, Grace Kelly or even Gwen Stefani in the "It's My Life" video.

This week, during a foray into the mall (which I hate) I was in Macy's and spotted these little black and white beauties. My heart swelled, the music crescendoed and I fell in love...

And then I checked the price tag. 100 smackers for toe-peeping love.

Oh. Good. God.

It's difficult for a person who is already tight-fisted (me) to purchase anything at full price (shoes) let alone something that is certainly going to cause me pain (high heels). But I did stop and ponder it for just a moment.

I have to be honest with myself. If I'm going to spend that much money on shoes, it will be to buy the twin strap Mary Janes by Dr. Marten, which I will wear forever because that's how long those things last! Kathy Griffin is always wearing them on "My Life on the D-List," which just adds to my need to have them.

And when I'm feeling really frisky, maybe ... just maybe ... these patent-leather wedges from BCBGirls.

Now, if anyone were to say, offer to purchase these for me, in exchange for "favors," ... well, who knows what you might find in my closet next ...