Crouching feline, hidden amphibian

I'm pretty sure my sister-in-law hates me. While she repeatedly denies the allegation, I believe her actions speak much louder than words. For example, this year, she decided to completely ignore the list of presents I recommended for the ball of fire: A list that included brain-expanding educational toys as well as a few old-time favorites.

She eschewed them all. And instead bought him a frog.

That's right, a frog. A small, green, pee-squirting, bug-eating, midnight croaking frog. Specifically a leptopelis vermiculatus, or a big-eyed tree frog. And not just the frog, but also a small container of about 25 crickets, whose care and feeding is also now my problem, to be distributed to the frog twice daily.

I. was. pissed.

Let's start with the obvious. The child is four. He can't wipe his own butt very well yet. He has trouble putting a shirt over his giant head. Who the hell thinks he can care for any living thing, let alone a slimy, jumping frog that he adamently refuses to touch? That means, it's my responsibility.

I also think it's extremely presumptious to purchase a pet for someone else's kid. We have very strict pet requirements. We're busy people so we don't have a pet that requres constant care and attention, such as our old crabby cat. And as much as the ball of fire would love a dog, he's a rough and tumble kind of boy. I fear for the dog's safety.

And then there is Toby, the evil. He's fascinated with the frog, which is unusual considering he hates everything and everyone.

Yesterday, I found him crouched over the frog's container, which he had knocked to the floor, the door was open and the frog was perched on the edge looking toward freedom. The were both still, almost in a mexican standoff, waiting for the other to make the first move.

For a moment, I hesitated as well. I could close the door and let this play out. If I know my cat, which I do, the frog would be dead by sundown. Hesitated. Would the ball of fire even notice?

Shit.

I rescued the frog. Knowing my luck, it would poison the cat and I'd have to put them both down.

But I did call Petco and they agreed that a rainforest tree frog was not an ideal gift for a four-year-old and they've offered to place him in another home -- free of charge.

My sister-in-law has a 16-year-old daughter who has a very attached boyfriend. I think for her birthday this year, I'm buying her a box of condoms, a tube of Astroglide and a nice butterfly vibrator and extend the offer to answer any "questions" she might have.

Yeah, that's right, bitch. Mess with me, and I'll get your teenage daughter laid. That's how I roll.